saying goodbye

I struggle everyday with the thought of closing this blog. Sometimes, and more and more often these days, I have nothing to say. I open this and look at the blog, and say wow nothing to say. Then sometimes I look through the archives and they act as reminders of the phases I have ben through. Last year, I went through so many ups and downs, the then new boy and his antics, the crazy breakup and then never hearing from him again. Can be seen here . I reread it today and remembered what a painful time it was and how I had to remind myself to be happy. I actually have a post it of lists of things that make me happy in my office. But then not even a month after I wrote that post, I met someone who made me very very happy. He has been for me, a source of comfort, happiness, support and just plain joy. And now he’s left. Our paths have diverged, really had no choice in the matter. We will stay friends, there are some people that the word ex should not be associated with. He will always be my friend above all. I miss him, i miss him everyday and find myself storing up tidbits to share with someone who isnt there anymore.  I remind myself everyday, that sometimes the choices are taken out of our hands and one has to deal with the given. Trying not to deal with it bitterly or unhappily but with the knowledge, that this too shall pass and maybe in passing result in something brighter and better. I wish him much joy and happiness, because, still, inspite of its end, the happiness he brought never went away. Follow your rainbows, I will wait for mine.  I read this somewhere and rereading it helps too:

On our journey, we meet many souls with whom we interact, exchange energy, in a way that enhances our growth and theirs. We learn lessons together. We break bread. We share love. But there often comes a time to say good-bye.

A good-bye can come suddenly, unexpectedly, without much warning. Or a good-bye can be expected, planned on, and take a while to work out. The length of time doesn’t matter. What matters is how we handle our good-byes.

We can do it with our hearts open, saying thank you for all we’ve learned. Or we can close our hearts and bitterly say we’ve lost again. We can say good-bye with an attitude of trust, faith, and love, believing our hearts led us together, for the time we were close, to celebrate life and further our journeys. Or we can do it with harsh judgment, asking what’s wrong with us that our paths didn’t let us stay together. We can say good-bye with our hearts open, feeling our sadness, our longing, and our joy. Or we can say good-bye with emotions walled off, saying that’s just the way life is.

Sometimes, it’s hard to say good-bye. We can’t always choose timing, but we can choose the words of our heart. And sometimes it’s not good-bye. It’s till we meet again.

What do you think?

me wann…shoesies..wannnaaa..waaaahh

Please forgive another shoe related post after a recent one. What happened is making me very sad so had to tell ya’all about it. I fell in love with a pair of shoes, they were high heels (I osciallate in my desire of flats vs heels), they were actually comfortable enough that I could envision myself walking in them for a few steps without vincing and they were affordable! The affordable part was only because they were majorly on sale, however, they were within the budget I had set for the day.  Then what? you say, you brought them and everyone lived happily ever after? Sadly not, as I said I only envisioned myself walking without vincing, the envisioning part came because they only had one shoe in the display and never found the mate of the damn thing. So i am shoe deprived and unable to get it out of my head. I admit, I havent thought of even the ex-boy with so mcuh longing. Maybe longing to stick afore mentioned high heels into his empty yet strangly swollen head, but not desire to possess. Seriously am obsessed with shoes.

Other than the shoes, the weekend was awesome! What can be better than old friends and tons of conversation and playing catch up?(the shoes that’s what…but nooooo). We did the usual fun stuff, hung out, shopped, ate and partied.  I realized how important it is to get out my part of the world even if for two days, because just two days can change perspectives, make things easier to come back to, situations become more transparent, one also has a desire to get a job and get some money and to get skinnier than ever…but that usually comes from hanging out with people with jobs.  Real jobs, I mean, where folks make real money, but then also worry more ..so it evens out I think.  But old friends? the one who know exactly how crazy you can get without having drunk an ounce,who know exactly what you looked like 4 years ago and therefore can appreciate the new and improved version and suitably flattering things, old friends who know what a foodie you are and treat you to Godiva shakes…that they then have to drink half of ..friends who know even today, what hits your buttons, not very close friends, not particularly, there is only one that i call that, but still..old friends, and nothing beats old friends except new memories with old friends.

figuring it out

 

WARNING: SUPER SENTI POST!

I have been rather down and out lately, things just havent been going too great. But truthfully, except for one aspect of life, they havent been going too badly also. There are days when there is too much work, there are days if I have to grade one more assignment, i’d flip..that is the time when i prudently stop and start watching TV instead. There are days too, when everything gets very very overwhelming, the prelims, the grading and mostly the boy. Its all too overwhelming sometimes. Too many things going on, too few people to blame it on. Sigh. Luckily, the boy I can blame. Things between us, take turns, really really good or really really absent and therefore bad. He takes it much more like an adult, I think, treating it lightly, not in a life threatening way like I do. But on those overwhelming days, his not being around feels like the sky will fall down on me. Since he is around a lot less than he is gone, this sky falling sensation has began to hit me with greater frequency.

I have never really been an unhappy person, even though sad or whiny or self pity filled, I have never felt this deeply lost. And therefore in the theory making, social scientist way of mine, I began to think. What is going wrong? Why this sudden lack of joy? You no more have crazy roomies, you have a decent bunch of friends,who you see on decent intervals, online buddies to moan and groan to, an occasional boyfriend, regular paychecks..then what is wrong..and then I realized that I hinged my happiness too much into the presence of that one person. Over the summer, I made happiness contingent on him. I made my day and night revolve around his presence. His calling would make me very very  happy. Well. it was the beginning of a renewed relationship and therefore he did call a lot. I was very very happy. Then I came back here, things changed, he got busier, he started taking things for granted. I on the other hand, became the obsessive caller and clinger, which didnt help matters. But by then happiness hinged too much on him. Because I loved him. But now I need to regain it, to make my happiness my own again. To be happy for things that I can control rather than things that I cannot. I cannot control the extent of his desire to be with me. I cannot control amount of grading I have to do and the teaching and the studying. I can only control how I spend the time that is mine to spend. I can choose to mope about him not calling, I can choose to be happy about him calling/talking/messaging. Or I can choose to be happy about things I can control, like how much I workout (which makes me happy btw), how much time I spend leisure reading, dancing, hanging out with freinds, talking to mom, and bieng with animals. So i have decided to explore old and new sources of happiness. Dance for an hour everyday, i havent done that in ages, read as much as my poor grading-bedimmed eyes will allow, take long walks, workout as much as I can, maybe find a dog shelter to volunteer with.  I can do all this or I can wait for the phone to ring, or the message tone to beep. I choose to live my life and leave his decisions to him. He can take them with me or without me. My life will be a little empty without him, but right now I think I need to live, with him or without him. What would you suggest for a new thing to do?

technological advancement of excuses

The Right Brain vs Left Brain « That Wealth Advisor-guy

ok this is a multiplex post as usual!

a) watch this and decide which way she spins for you. I was freaked, because I would blink and she would start spinning the other way! does this proove once and for all that I am really really strange? noooo…

b) the main topic of the post: technological advancement of excuses: This monday I had a terrible midterm, long and gruelling. So much so that it caused a post traumatic stress disorder and I am still getting nightmares about it! However, due to the mindterm I thought we wouldnt have any assignments due today and didnt even look to see. As you may guess, I was dumb and pulled a freshman by not looking at the syllabus. Here is where the technological part comes in. I told the professor I forgo my flashdrive at home and will have the assignment to him by the afternoon. I havent done this in a while. The last time I made up something was in school…uh, Maam, I forgot my Homework copy (this was a regular occurance) . Look at the technology advancement. Flashdrives get forgotten instead of notebooks! Fortunately we always an excuse system ready.  Humans can take advantage of any technology they come across, specially for unintended purposes, such as internet pOrn, sp@m and ofcourse as mentioned above, excuses. Do tell moi what you think!

c) I just started my food and workout blogging at multiply..dunno…just felt like it! If you wanna read..go to http://gobledygook.multiply.com/ 

d) I am in technological trouble: my laptop, heartrate monitor and car are giving warning signals that their time is coming..sigh..pray for me friends..pray!

ciao!

missing you/it

Before I get rolling, just wanted to ask…hows the new theme? Too foody? I ate that yummy thing so am immune.but if it bothers people too much I might have to change it!

Another note or warning: This is a nostalgia post, so if you are allergic stay away!

I dont know why I find myself missing a lot of things recently, its like an ache that wont go away. Not just things but people too…should that have been the other way round? People and things too? hmm…anyways I have been missing things people. So here is my list of “I’ve been missing you” .

1. Home, India, Indore: I miss home, I wanna go home, there are times when the squareness and neatness and organization of the US completely gets to me and I begin craving the chaos, the color and the magic that is India. In such a state even watching a hindi movie is unbearably painful because I long for those crazy roads, hodge podge houses and ofcourse food.

2. Roadside Indian food: It just holds a different head space. Being from Indore, which is pretty much food mad, whenever my dad and his friends get together all they talk about is food past and food present. Foods they used to eat as athletes and where did that shop go to the latest in jalebi’s . I miss that food. That may also be because I tried making poha and failed, miserably. I had a soggy lump. Never the one to give up, I did it again, and this time I had chivda, which is rather dry. SO i gave up on poha. It did make me miss indori poha and jalebi breakfasts, post workout, stopping on the way back from the gym to get sunday brekky for self and parents. Their sleepy appreciation and my grin of victory. I miss johnny hot dog and mung ke bhajiye and kachori and chinese and fresh fruit juice and the list can go on for ten more pages so I will move on here

3. I miss my ex-bf: sad but true, I still miss him (I hope he doesnt read this, or he will have to be pricked  by a needle just to ring him to a normal size again..eh, men and egos. I miss our fun together and just being with each  other. But then I think about what a colossal ass he is now and I dont miss him anymore..ok fine I do, but just a little.

4. I miss my ex-bff: bff? best friend forever…only one person I ever called that. I miss not being bffs and I miss not being able to call anyone that…I have friends, good friends,crazy friends, polite friends, enemies. I lack a bff, I miss one.

5. I miss summer, just because, life is crazy right now and next summer is far away. I like summer. and oh btw…some nice things do happen in october..such as birthdays (ahem)

Thats all I miss, pretty much. Not a very long list as I thought it might be. But almost 50% of it out of my hands, only india is something I can control, well lack of boyfriends can be controlled too, but not very effectively in manhattan, ks. So I will miss you no more, eh lied again.

This revealed one thing for sure, I really like lists: I wonder why? And you guys be good, leave me some comments and check ou the new header and tell me if it needs to go!

musing

Its been a while since I posted. I have been busy and I have been upset and I have been happy but I havent been posting. There are so many things I wanted to say, but no way to say it. Very many times, I formed half baked ideas, only to reject them, very often I put away events to blog about, yet forgot them when it came to it. So today I will do snippets, I like snippets, they are like my own thought process..short, choppy, with no sense of direction, skipping where ever the mood takes them.

1. Warm days are here again, the sun feels too hot already, how can we go from shivering to waiting for a cool breeze in one whole day? But I like summer, the heat doesnt kill me, it saps me, like everyone else, but the calm of a summer afternoon is different from anything else we ever experience in our lives.  It brings back memories of languid summers in India, locked up inside the house, waiting for evening to go out and play, guzzling nimbu paani roohafza and inhaling mangoes.  Here in Kansas summer feel smooth and green, the smell of grass predominates at the moment, again a fountain of memories.

2. Im still looking for a summer job. You know what I hate the most? Waiting, the waiting for answers, a yes or a no. Say it. Just say it. Just move on, just dont leave me hanging there, waiting for your reply.

3. My thesis is still trailing along, it is still waiting to get done, and this time I cant really be blamed, the blame lies elsewhere and strengthens my resolve that life needs changes, lots of changes.

4. I am still losing weight, not to worry that is still on plan.

5. I love my friends, I am ever grateful to them for their understanding and their acceptance of my craziness. Their acceptance of my crazy diets, their refusal to take anything seriously and making fun of everything. Their ability to support me when I need it the most and for the first time, my ability to accept what they have to give. My ability, after a very long time, to just pick up a phone and call  and know that there wont be any “disturbances”, and even if there are, the understanding of my needs and wants, people to spend time with without any guilt, without any concrete plans, just to be. Friends, some of them from different walks of life and some of them dont even know each other. Friends, together and one on one. Long conversations and crazy antics. The boon of friendship and companionship, people who share my joys. I may speak too soon, but I dont care, this has to be documented for posterity. Friends, I am nothing without you and everything with you. Be there the way you are and I will do my best for you. You make me want to go on. As usual you are the focus in my life, a lighthouse for my wandering ship, unable to show me the right way but atleast keeping me from danger.

6. I lost my cellphone, this is very annoying specially because I barely ever lose something, nothing important atleast! not for a long time. Hopefuly the gods will be satisfied with this one sacrifice of the phone and life will come back on the track? please pretty please? As a side story, I emailed everyone on my list taht I lost my phone, so can they please send me their phone numbers, the result? Only certain people sent me their numbers..indicating that the others are either not checking their email, they are procrastinatng and gasp too lazy, OR worst of all, they dont care. Eh, well, atleast I cleaned out my phonebook. 😀 one less person to not call.

7. nothing…just be good 😀

of sonwmen and friends

snow time

I have been wanting to write this post for a while now, and have ended up with a series of drafts which are equivalent to crumpled up pieces of paper where I havent been able to say what I wanted to.

To the left is the picture of the snowman we made, the entire gang of friends I fondly refer to as the “madness”. I have never been a gang person. Always been on the fringes, never knowing, never finding out whats going on, never knowing when to laugh and when to keep my mouth shut. For the first time in my life, I am part of a homogenous group of friends none of who center around any one person, lack of anyone does not make us fall apart and all of us have our own personal ties with each other. Whats so unusual about this, you might wonder, but this is something we all quest for, the fitting in with no questions asked, feeling a belongingness and feeling grounded.

I feel grounded, I feel secure with this warm bunch, all of nerds xtreme to the extent that we start talking research in the middle of a joke, all from different areas geographically and academically. All crazy and all wanting the same thing, I think, a sense that we belong. I have this now, I feel secure in the warmth of the knowledge that if I leave town for a few days, I wont come back to find that everyone turned against me, to find myself on the fringes again, because all we want is some fun and fun doesnt mean cliches, it doesnt mean saying you are my best friend and she is not, it does not mean rejecting someone and taking up with another one. It means crazy laughter over coffee, zany accusations and drama and constant teasing along with watchful eyes so as to not tread over sensitive points.

I thought I was the only one who felt this from my friends, but later realised that am not alone, all of us feel that to some extent, some worry about it getting over, others cherish it, as for me, I can finally work, say no when I want to and yes when I want to without any fear and bask in the warmth of friendship. Here’s to friends who make snowmen with curves and waists 😀