Five years ago, on this very day, March 2, I found out I was going to KState for my PhD. My advisor-to-be (it is written) emailed me to tel me that I got in, and all about himself and how much he was looking forward to working with me. I was floored to say the least, I did not expect to be courted, did not think I was good enough for that, but he did court me and I did come here. (yeah, the grammer of this sentence is very very hitchhiker’s galaxy). And now its almost 5 years in Manhappenin, at KState. 5 years ago, I was uncertain, life could take any angle, any twist or turn and it would not have bothered me. I was ready to roll with the punches and go wherever life took me. And boy, has the journey been fun. Across continents, across weight, across many friends, men and many many courses and classes, laughter and tears and mostly just silences. I have watched friends get their Master’s degree and waltz away into the real world, I have watched yet other friends, get beaten by the real world and come back to the sheltered arms of graduate school. Today someone’s imminent departure has been brought home to me very clearly and it is making me very sad.
But, I myself, after 5 years, stand on the uncertain edge again. ABD (all but dissertation to you non academic people), almost done with graduate school, no clue what will happen, what time will bring, what paths life will take and what I would finally end up doing and who would i do it with. For now, its just me, slightly knit wit someone else, who is slowly unthreading himself from my life, planning to depart. 5 years ago, the choices were not very clear, now, the choices are still not clear. I know what I need to do, I know not if it will have the desired consequences.
I know not, what I want, I do know however, that life as a student is coming to a close. Finally I say, you in the real world, probably smile with irony. I have always envied people who have a clear purpose in life, who know wha they want and head straight for it. I never had that certainity, the hardest question for me in any interview is where do you see yourself in 5 years. In 5 years, anything can happen, so much can change and really I dont see myself anywhere in 5 years. With a good job, yes, where I am satisfied and doing good work, yes. Maybe with someone who loves me in the same way I love him. Just dont ask which country I see this happening in. It could be anywhere. I wouldnt mind.
Ah decisions decisions…choices and more choices. Somebody please decide for me, will ya?