me wann…shoesies..wannnaaa..waaaahh

Please forgive another shoe related post after a recent one. What happened is making me very sad so had to tell ya’all about it. I fell in love with a pair of shoes, they were high heels (I osciallate in my desire of flats vs heels), they were actually comfortable enough that I could envision myself walking in them for a few steps without vincing and they were affordable! The affordable part was only because they were majorly on sale, however, they were within the budget I had set for the day.  Then what? you say, you brought them and everyone lived happily ever after? Sadly not, as I said I only envisioned myself walking without vincing, the envisioning part came because they only had one shoe in the display and never found the mate of the damn thing. So i am shoe deprived and unable to get it out of my head. I admit, I havent thought of even the ex-boy with so mcuh longing. Maybe longing to stick afore mentioned high heels into his empty yet strangly swollen head, but not desire to possess. Seriously am obsessed with shoes.

Other than the shoes, the weekend was awesome! What can be better than old friends and tons of conversation and playing catch up?(the shoes that’s what…but nooooo). We did the usual fun stuff, hung out, shopped, ate and partied.  I realized how important it is to get out my part of the world even if for two days, because just two days can change perspectives, make things easier to come back to, situations become more transparent, one also has a desire to get a job and get some money and to get skinnier than ever…but that usually comes from hanging out with people with jobs.  Real jobs, I mean, where folks make real money, but then also worry more ..so it evens out I think.  But old friends? the one who know exactly how crazy you can get without having drunk an ounce,who know exactly what you looked like 4 years ago and therefore can appreciate the new and improved version and suitably flattering things, old friends who know what a foodie you are and treat you to Godiva shakes…that they then have to drink half of ..friends who know even today, what hits your buttons, not very close friends, not particularly, there is only one that i call that, but still..old friends, and nothing beats old friends except new memories with old friends.

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5 years ago and 5 years from now

Five years ago, on this very day, March 2, I found out I was going to KState for my PhD. My advisor-to-be (it is written) emailed me to tel me that I got in, and all about himself and how much he was looking forward to working with me. I was floored to say the least, I did not expect to be courted, did not think I was good enough for that, but he did court me and I did come here.  (yeah, the grammer of this sentence is very very hitchhiker’s galaxy). And now its almost 5 years in Manhappenin, at KState. 5 years ago, I was uncertain, life could take any angle, any twist or turn and it would not have bothered me. I was ready to roll with the punches and go wherever life took me. And boy, has the journey been fun. Across continents, across weight, across many friends, men and many many courses and classes, laughter and tears and mostly just silences.  I have watched friends get their Master’s degree and waltz away into the real world, I have watched yet other friends, get beaten by the real world and come back to the sheltered arms of graduate school. Today someone’s imminent departure has been brought home to me very clearly and it is making me very sad.

But, I myself, after 5 years, stand on the uncertain edge again. ABD (all but dissertation to you non academic people), almost done with graduate school, no clue what will happen, what time will bring, what paths life will take and what I would finally end up doing and who would i do it with. For now, its just me, slightly knit wit someone else, who is slowly unthreading himself from my life, planning to depart.  5 years ago, the choices were not very clear, now, the choices are still not clear. I know what I need to do, I know not if it will have the desired consequences.

I know not, what I want, I do know however, that life as a student is coming to a close. Finally I say, you in the real world, probably smile with irony.   I have always envied people who have a clear purpose in life, who know wha they want and head straight for it. I never had that certainity, the hardest question for me in any interview is where do you see yourself in 5 years. In 5 years, anything can happen, so much can change and really I dont see myself anywhere in 5 years. With a good job, yes, where I am satisfied and doing good work, yes. Maybe with someone who loves me in the same way I love him. Just dont ask which country I see this happening in. It could be anywhere. I wouldnt mind.

Ah decisions decisions…choices and more choices. Somebody please decide for me, will ya?