home is calling

All winter I have watched this pilsbury commercial “home is calling”. Every single time, it leaves me with a lump in my throat and a curious yearning in the pit of my stomach.  The ad just makes me want. Want to click my heels together and fly off home. Makes me want to smell certain smells, see certain things are truly home and can only happen in India. The strong smell of flowers and fruits combined with that of the exhaust fumes. The dust rising to meet the first raindrops of the year.

Mom making chapattis, the very distinct “chaan” sound of the metal spoon against the kadai. The sound of the sabziwala saying something indistinct, but that tells you he is here. Same for the doodhwala and his cycle horn. The doodhwala at home now has a bike, I wish he’d kept the horn, it has memories.  The taste of plain daal chawal with ghee, fresh hari chatni, mangoes in Watkhed, smal desi ones, their juice, sticky and running off my face and hands..more mangoes, desi ber and oranges..santare, their heavenly taste, eaten, basking in the pale winter sun atop razai left to air out.  The sound of an india pakistan cricket match, where you know that even if you close your eyes, and not watch anymore the sounds from the neighbourhood will tell you exactly what happened.  To tell the truth, I miss malai (cream) every single day of my life here. Its also probably the reason why i successfully lost weight but still wo doodh hi kya jispe malai na ho! 

Some things I know I can never see with the same eyes again. I have been too far away from it now. But sometimes when I go home I find there is no home. Things that I remember no longer exist. Other, more american “progressive” things have taken their place. Who am I to judge that, I live in amrika, I cannot talk about americanization. Because I know that if or when I leave the US, certain things, certain smells and memories will me want to click my heels and fly away home…my other home, Kansas.

Did Dororthy want that too? Did she miss the lad of Oz when she went back to Kansas? Did she want to fly back there and visit her friends? See if any witches have cropped up …just basically say hello? The place where she grew up and learnt so much, did she want to click her heels and go back there again? To the land of magic? Because after some time, the line begins to blur, the line between what was home and what is home. India one day may be as alien to me as US was. The US will always be alien to me in some ways and truly now so will India. So does the Ad make me tearful not just because am being usual senti self or because there is no home? Too many or too few loyalties. Too much distance, maybe too much growing up..sometimes I wish I could click my heels and let them decide where to take me, and I know whereever they do, I’ll open my eyes and want it to be the other one.

the problem with friendships

Dont get me wrong, I lorve my friends. They are very important to me. Especially living so far away from family, I dont know how I would survive without the glue of friendship to hold me together.

Wat I do have a problem with, though, is mixed signals. This is specially relevant in the case of Indians.  They are friends with someone and they also feel they can be something more. Yet they hide under this banner of friendship. I understand perfectly if you fall for a friend. That has been known to happen. I dont like the whole idea of becoming friends for the express purpose of dating someone and then never admitting to it untill its too late. Or admitting it only to completely startle someone who realy didnt think you as more than a friend. And then make a complete mess of things by either party not understanding what is going on. So to my mind then there is always this suspicion..are we friends? are we something more? Ofcourse, there is the added pipqauncy of starting off wanting more and then backing off because I growl too much and saying but we are just friends.

Just friends, thats another one. Pretending to be friends for the public when you clearly are something more. Walking around together with hands in each others’ pockets..and then saying..oh we are just friends. If you care for someone be (wo)man enough to say it out loud, dont demean your relationship by hiding it. I understand that you may not want to say anything at all, thats ok, dont say anything. Just don’t be friends.

Here’s my request…like someone? tell them. Dont like someone who likes you…hold out the olive branch of friendship only if you will stick to it, not let it go in the middle of the process. Seeing someone? say it out loud or keep your mouth shut. Dont call it friendship. and definately never never say…kya aap mujhse dosti karengi? because that my friend is the ultimate mixed signal!

disclaimer: nothing has happened to me to generate this post. It comes from my rambling mind. And no I did not watch “kya aap mujh se dosti karengi” and i refuse to..no no no.

A new Year and new beginnings

Here’s another year on my rather directionless blog. If you are still around to hear my ramblings…thanku hai jee! A recap of the year past. I had a great one! In retrospect it was awesome! Lets see what happened eh? I got rid of the people who were totally bringing me down and making me feel like something gross we do every morning. Trying to limit the use of expeltives here..ohh that is something we expel :D.  So I got rid of them. A relationship roller coaster was embarked upon..tons of highs, too many lows to count, the lows more than highs, a sad goodbye was bid to someone who was and will remain the biggest puzzle of my life.

Also encountered were some work related milestones (yes phd is work and I dare you to suggest otherwise). I finished the masters, presented at one SIOP and got into another one.

So a good year overall, an emotional year, a stressful year, as can be seen from the battlescars in the form of pimples, that I never had as a teen (hai mein jawan ab ho rahi hu?). A good year nevertheless.

As for 2009, some new beginnings (grins secretively), some ends..2009 is the year of the PhD, I will conquer thy high and slippery slopes. I also started AGAIN! to track food on my other blog.. somewhat hungry. The link people is somewaht single, Im just trying to be green and resuse an old blog I started and never finished. I hope to post every day (new way to avoid work..yay!), so you may see me and my cooking there more frquently! Anoter promise for 2009 would be to blog every week! We’ll, ahem, see how that goes

That people, if you didnt notice, was my lousy attempt at new year resolutions. These are not resolutions, these are goals to be reached or to be ticked off a list, so will be maintained, unless ofcourse I decide not to..such is liff!

What resultions/goals do you have? Anything fun I should know about before you invite me for dinner? Like eating only fried things every sunday? or maybe frowning at people who laugh too loudly? Or anything else really? I just like to know!!