figuring it out

 

WARNING: SUPER SENTI POST!

I have been rather down and out lately, things just havent been going too great. But truthfully, except for one aspect of life, they havent been going too badly also. There are days when there is too much work, there are days if I have to grade one more assignment, i’d flip..that is the time when i prudently stop and start watching TV instead. There are days too, when everything gets very very overwhelming, the prelims, the grading and mostly the boy. Its all too overwhelming sometimes. Too many things going on, too few people to blame it on. Sigh. Luckily, the boy I can blame. Things between us, take turns, really really good or really really absent and therefore bad. He takes it much more like an adult, I think, treating it lightly, not in a life threatening way like I do. But on those overwhelming days, his not being around feels like the sky will fall down on me. Since he is around a lot less than he is gone, this sky falling sensation has began to hit me with greater frequency.

I have never really been an unhappy person, even though sad or whiny or self pity filled, I have never felt this deeply lost. And therefore in the theory making, social scientist way of mine, I began to think. What is going wrong? Why this sudden lack of joy? You no more have crazy roomies, you have a decent bunch of friends,who you see on decent intervals, online buddies to moan and groan to, an occasional boyfriend, regular paychecks..then what is wrong..and then I realized that I hinged my happiness too much into the presence of that one person. Over the summer, I made happiness contingent on him. I made my day and night revolve around his presence. His calling would make me very very  happy. Well. it was the beginning of a renewed relationship and therefore he did call a lot. I was very very happy. Then I came back here, things changed, he got busier, he started taking things for granted. I on the other hand, became the obsessive caller and clinger, which didnt help matters. But by then happiness hinged too much on him. Because I loved him. But now I need to regain it, to make my happiness my own again. To be happy for things that I can control rather than things that I cannot. I cannot control the extent of his desire to be with me. I cannot control amount of grading I have to do and the teaching and the studying. I can only control how I spend the time that is mine to spend. I can choose to mope about him not calling, I can choose to be happy about him calling/talking/messaging. Or I can choose to be happy about things I can control, like how much I workout (which makes me happy btw), how much time I spend leisure reading, dancing, hanging out with freinds, talking to mom, and bieng with animals. So i have decided to explore old and new sources of happiness. Dance for an hour everyday, i havent done that in ages, read as much as my poor grading-bedimmed eyes will allow, take long walks, workout as much as I can, maybe find a dog shelter to volunteer with.  I can do all this or I can wait for the phone to ring, or the message tone to beep. I choose to live my life and leave his decisions to him. He can take them with me or without me. My life will be a little empty without him, but right now I think I need to live, with him or without him. What would you suggest for a new thing to do?

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2 Comments

  1. go back to writing? you wrote great stuff!! things that actually got published! you should go back to that for sure.
    oh and on a completely frivolus note, fall in love with a stupidly good lookign actor guy, hound the net for his movies and spend winter watching them at home with pop corn.
    yes yes i know i am turning old but what to do?

  2. just could not stop myself from commenting !!!! I soooo relate with what you feel…. I was in a similar situation too when I would wait or hours for my then bf now husband to call and would be frustrated at myself for depending so much on him for simple happiness.. I let go after a while…taught … spent time more with my mom ..visited frens and did anything to take my mind away from the phone and yes I think you should have things in your life that you have control over …go ahead girl !!! find everything that makes you happy 🙂

    Prashanti


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