wordless

sometimes life just leaves you wordless, directionless and just lost. I guess I am all that right now. Probably for the first time in my life,  noone has to pay me to keep my mouth shut.  Maybe its about growing up too?  recently turned 26. If you know me, u’d also know that I am rather strange about birthdays. My own that is. Not to worry , I like yours. When it comes to mine, its  love hate relationship. Its not a turning old thing, its a D. thing. I want people to make a big deal of it but I go out of my way to make sure that noone finds out that it is what I want. I want tons of people to remember it, but woe be it, if i ever tell anyone its coming up. So the night before my birthday is usually quite morose. I sit there, usually cry and think no one loves me. And then dawns the actual day or rather night in my case (more on that later) and I am usually amazed at how many people do remember, or atleast take the time to say happy birthday after orkut reminds them. This time, not for the first time, my friends surprised me. I always knew I knew a lot of people, but having them show up at my house at midnite just to get a chance to throw eggs and ketchup and cake on me was a humbling experience. Maybe I do matter to my “friends”..just a bit maybe. I had also convinced myself that the boy forgot my birthday. He didnt, to tell you the truth, he never has forgotten, He has wished me for the last 5 years, whether we have been together or not. But yeah i usually convince myself I am unlovable. I just loovvvve me a pity party  (that was sarcastic, in case you didnt get).

As is usual on birthdays, I got to thinking. Apart from thinking about how unlovable I am, I also thought about the broader picture of my life. I thought about the boy, about India and about the PhD and the ever looming future. I dont see it. I dont see the end goal. In any of these things..I dont see what I am reachin for. I dont see what hapens after I finish the PhD, I dont see me and the boy going anywhere permanent. I dont see myself 20 pounds thinner. I have always run my life on day dreams. They seem to be leaving, day dreams of the boy just leave me more silent than before, daydreams of a workplace that is not school related leave me numb with fear, ditto for the day dreams of defending my phd. Dr. D….whoa..is that what i really wanted? and why was that anyways? lets look at the SOP..ahem…nothing there. I have also been coming across tons of articles on life lists. I dont have one! I dont have a list of things I should do before I die, adventure sports leave me..ahem..scared,  travelling seems too arderous..gah all that packing..and ello no money? What is it that I am doing with my life? What is it that I should be looking for? Am I missing something here? Is this an existential crisis? or is this another procrastination strategy to get out of studying for the prelims?

I need ideas folks..whats on your life list? Do you have a roadmap ? Are you a happy wanderer (the emphasis on happy here) and most importantly..what to do whenyou are 26 and have an existential crisis?

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7 Comments

  1. take a deep breath and sleep. you will feel better in the morning. I know that feelng… may be we can have a joint pity party 😀

  2. the next time you are having a pity party plz. remember how other people are older than you and therefore more pitiable 😀 even more so when they can’t do simple math!

    is it really important to have a roadmap though? you’ve done better than fine so far! hell you make so many people including me look so bad!!

    what you do is to put on crap hindi film music and dance. that always works! will tell you more ideas if i can remember them. sigh you young people dont even know what its like to lose your memory!!

  3. Hey Disha….I could be called a happy wanderer :D…honestly don’t have any list nor roadmap…..but is’nt that what’s exciting about life…….to just keep hoping for the best……and cmon you a rare species who is multitalented…..I mean I know of few people who are good at expressing through speech, dance and words……and this is’nt flattery, but an honest opinion….so cheer up and keep being optimistic……and is’nt it better to just enjoy the present and let life happen :)………oops chota muh badi baat 😀

  4. Definitely the quarter-life crisis! And if you really think being 26 and not knowing what you want from life is a crisis, wait till you are a I-m-30-and-I-don’t-know-what-I-want-from-life (like yours truly). Anyway, at some point -around the time when I was 28- I got what the zen masters say about “arriving” not really being as swell as it is made out to be. It’s a cliché but the journey is the reward.

  5. Don’t know if you’ve read this http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/quarterlifecrisis.html

  6. @ purva: thanks buddy..sleep definately makes things better, and now as the temp heads towards sub zero..i should look for another excuse to sleep 24/7 😛

    @ bf: old schmold…abhi to hum jawan hai (in comparison to some other people)

    @ snehal: yeah you are right..but life without a raodmap is..well…scary 😀

    @deppe: thanks deppe! I had read that earlier..but its truth hit me only now .

  7. you stop thinking and start living!

    As long as the ride is enjoyable…who cares where it ends up??


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