discipline

Most people have a rather hard time staying discplined in some area of their lives. For example, some have issues with food, others with not exercising, some with not studying/working hard enough, some with regards to their expression of feelings, love or sex. I have a problem with all of it. Most people would have to control some part of their psyche, say hey.. I need to work out and this is something I really need to do to take care of myself better, they do so for a few days and give up, but they have other things under control, they work/study like normal people, they also eat (maybe?) in a controlled fashion and they express the right things at the right time and refrain from expression at the cued times.

I on the other hand, have no compunctions about working out because I enjoy it, I have no issues with food because I love eating and therefore I do eat. I have no issues with expression because I look like an ass anyways, so might as well say it out loud. There lies my problem. I create situations, I create problems for myself by bieng so upfront about everything, so the end result? polarization…people hate me or love me..there isnt any middle ground, niether should there be, I either hate people or love them. I confer upon everyone the same intensity that I do on the boy, I care about them about as intensely as I do for my family.  And why is that such a bad thing, to be vested in people? The bad thing is that it leads to disappointment, people dont expect so much interest in themselves, and therefore just refuse to see it, get rebuffed by it or even get alarmed by it.

 I am tired of it, sort of, time for a blaise superficial interest. A furthering of myself from the world. The boy even, because he cannot bring himself to love me with the same intensity I love him. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye? Should you try and wait and see if it gains momentum or is it best to leave before it fizzles completely and there are no waves left to see you to the shore? Before all you can remember is the sad part, the bad part…what would you do? This decision calls for a discipline too, a harsh sort that is required of a clean break of a bad habit, one I think i sorely lack. Maybe this by Edna St Vincent Millay will give me the courage:

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that’s permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.

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