Most people have a rather hard time staying discplined in some area of their lives. For example, some have issues with food, others with not exercising, some with not studying/working hard enough, some with regards to their expression of feelings, love or sex. I have a problem with all of it. Most people would have to control some part of their psyche, say hey.. I need to work out and this is something I really need to do to take care of myself better, they do so for a few days and give up, but they have other things under control, they work/study like normal people, they also eat (maybe?) in a controlled fashion and they express the right things at the right time and refrain from expression at the cued times.

I on the other hand, have no compunctions about working out because I enjoy it, I have no issues with food because I love eating and therefore I do eat. I have no issues with expression because I look like an ass anyways, so might as well say it out loud. There lies my problem. I create situations, I create problems for myself by bieng so upfront about everything, so the end result? polarization…people hate me or love me..there isnt any middle ground, niether should there be, I either hate people or love them. I confer upon everyone the same intensity that I do on the boy, I care about them about as intensely as I do for my family.  And why is that such a bad thing, to be vested in people? The bad thing is that it leads to disappointment, people dont expect so much interest in themselves, and therefore just refuse to see it, get rebuffed by it or even get alarmed by it.

 I am tired of it, sort of, time for a blaise superficial interest. A furthering of myself from the world. The boy even, because he cannot bring himself to love me with the same intensity I love him. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye? Should you try and wait and see if it gains momentum or is it best to leave before it fizzles completely and there are no waves left to see you to the shore? Before all you can remember is the sad part, the bad part…what would you do? This decision calls for a discipline too, a harsh sort that is required of a clean break of a bad habit, one I think i sorely lack. Maybe this by Edna St Vincent Millay will give me the courage:

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that’s permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.



this is one of those “billion thoughts in my head-none-of-which-make a whole post” post. 

Work is crazy as ever, i have too much to juggle this semester, which is making moi slightly hyper, less interested in work, very sleepy, very into working out and very into blogging too. So a couple of random things going through my head:

1. When I came to this department of psychology 4 years ago, and even before that when i communicated with my advisor, I addressed him as “dear sir” for the first time. The second time, he protested and therefore I softened it to Dr. F, now daily communication is rather hard with Dr F. being a bit too tedious, So it became.hi..followed by the communication of interest to (hopefully) both parties. Yesterday it became “c.” His first name, I read the email, clicked sent and then realized I addressed him by his first name! gulp…it was weird and very very amru..ah well..its been 4 years! c., it is.

2. I am finally back to work out mode. Total workout mode, running, spinning, lifting etc etc. I am also getting up early in the morning, a sign of my approaching old age? Research shows that as we get older we tend to become morning people..or maybe its just that working out is the only thing that relaxes me completely. No prelim thoughts, barely any boy thoughts, only me and what I can achieve.

3. Talking of the boy, I recently saw pyaar ke side effect again, the last time I saw it, I thought of it as a cute movie, I was single then. Now in a relationship, I can see all of this bieng so true. The committment-phobia, the totally tentative start of a relationship and what it takes for a person to realize that this is the person they care about. And how complicated relationships are. I can totally see me and the boy in a similar situation.

4. I brought this totally cute clock, its got paperclips as the indicators and some very cute family and relationship pictures are going up there as soon as I get them printed..procrastination rules!

5. My room is  an utter mess and I truly dont have energy to clean it. The kitchen, however was sparkling clean last sunday, because its one thing I cannot stand dirty.

6. sorry, that is the last thing outta my head..more later..work continues, so will the posts!

on people specially those we call friends

I watched the movie “rock on”. It kinda is your average coming of age sort of movie. Farhan Akhtar is kinda one of those I might have something to talk about type of guys. Ever noticed that his movie has complex freindships, that split people apart and then bring them together..is that what he sells? The desire that we have for our past and what it makes us what we are today. Friends we talk to now and friends we no longer are in touch with. People we wouldnt call friends anymore, yet they touch our lives in ways innumerable, such as ringing of alarms in your head when the doorbell rings or the door slams. Friends whose face you see in other people’s faces and connections you long for again. Its the relationships we have and had that define us.

In so many ways we long to be like our friends, we want what they have, even though we may never admit it, even to ourselves. We may not covet their car or their looks or their boyfriends, but we usually want a part of something they are, which is why we become friends in the first place. From one friend of mine, I want her patience and strength, from another I want the optimism and utter childlike faith in things, from another the ability to beat the shit out of social networking and make it their own, making the introducer(me) a mere watcher, amusedly watching the hurricane set in motion. From another I want the utter belief in their ability and ofcourse non procrastination. That would really help.

The movie made me think of random people I barely ever think about from college, the cool rockers, with their cool hair and beyond cool parties, in which i was the hanger on, the weirdo who actually fell asleep at a crazy party in Goa…yeh yeh I did that.  It also made me think ..so many choices we make, diverging paths we choose, yet with each friend we leave behind, we leave a certain vestige of ourselves, a me that only existed then. Like a crazy, super insecure me in school, a very emotional love struck me in college, a rollicking, rich kid in college 2 and a mostly sane bitch in college 3..too much college me thinks. There are some people who would recognize me in all the guises, yet to others that part of my life is strange, i dont think any of my students can imagine me as the excuse making, never did homework types. Or my current friends as the short haired, intense person i was in college. As we grow, we want to shed certain parts of us, leave them behind and move on, relieved to step out of that mold, eager to make a new impression, not realizing come what may, we remain the same, the way we think about people, still remains the same, the way we expect things without having to state them, remians the same and most of all, the passion and emotion, maybe better disguised now, remains the same.