just..thinking

my last post: the one about my favorite things, made me think, really think! Go back and look at that post, what do you see? I know I am a bad editor…but what else is common? Gave up? or got it? Everything I like is something I do alone.  Walk along the beach, cook, garden, read etc etc. What does that make me? A loner, an asocial person? I guess! I, however, have always thought of myself as a rather social person, yet am slowly beginning to change that perception of myself. Over time I have come to realize that I dont really fit into groups. I used to long for that group of friends that totally and completely care about each other..uhuh not gonna happen. The dream is finally becoming what it is- a dream. I always expect that group to happen and it doesnt really, however many people I bond with, which is never many. Most people I find weird or boring and most people find me boring or weird. So we are even there.

Inspite of this I unfortunately have expectations of people, to hang out with, to invite me to do things with them, bieng the person left out of the secrets still hurts, why is that so, I know not. Being alone feels comfortable for only so long. Then i start getting restless and want people and laughter and fun. After too long of it, I tire and want to be alone, alone then means relief. Maybe I dont make enough effort, maybe I come across as being too watchful, careful or even too boisterious and tomboyish. Whatever it is, I stand looking in at the fringes and I never liked that (did I say that already?) . I am however coming to accept it. Is that growing up or giving up?  You decide.

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