my future

let me do some futuristic prediction here…
as I have seen myself changing over the past two years, I have realized that my not bieng a part of a group, lies more within myself than other people. Other people would like me well enough if I would try to be nice most of the time, tell funny stories, and laugh and most importantly not be intelligent enough. But unfortunately I never learnt about the last thing, or about the fact that mood swings are not allowed. So I just be myself and think that people should stick with me. Not many have. So I usually feel lonely and wonder whats going on…what is wrong with me, what is wrong with them and so on. My only excuse can be that I am a late bloomer, not that I have ever really bloomed, but yeah whatever tinny grasp I have on reality came late.
Here is another tidbit, people who are slightly depressed have a much better grasp of reality and are more realistic. Chew on THAT.
But as usual I about my future..5 years later, I see myself moving into a nice apartment that I possibly own, moving in alone. Setting it up happily, bieng involved in dozens of things and then as those things get over I will happily go home to my cool or warm, depending on the outside weather, to feel blessed by the silence in the house.
And then 6 years from today, the silence in the house will get to me..and I will probably get into a relationship against my better judgement with a relationship impaired man who will never fulfill my dreams, another year down the line, I will get sick of this and want silence in the house but will have no way of throwing him out without hurting him. So I will wait some before I finally get up enough guts to tll him that and then I will agai enjoy the deep dark silence of my home.
A couple of years down the line (my maths is bad as ever so have forgotten how many years have gone by) I will be a certified cat lady with no cats, hopefully a career, friends who come and go because of the whirlwinds of my moods. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes lonely, mostly enjoying my fate and sometimes even cranky and yes, skinny as hell.
and would that be very different from right now?
not really..
then why do we search for a future? for something to change us because we dont change, we never do, just get better at putting on those masks with those teeth showing or safely hidden as the case might be, but that is who I am!
regrefully openly me..take it or leave it!


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