ok m blog is gone or around?

is my blog still there?? :((
its seems gone!


crossing the line

I am one of those people who usually come across as either passive/unassertive or aggressive/stubborn. That is because I care a lot about my friends and I usually accept a lot from them. They can say or do anything and yet I wont lose it, they can not say or do anything and yet I would’nt mind. I dont even mind the lack of thought about me, after all I am not the most important persob/ persons in their lives, why should they even bother? The fact that I do is different because every one in my life is equally important to me. I have been known to usually go beyond the call of duty when it comes to OCB’s
BUT to come back to this passive agressive issue, sometimes people just cross a line, a line they dont even know exists and the crossing of which only I know. When they cross it, coming back is very difficult. I dont get mad very easily but when I do and i say something extreme, I stick to it stubbornly. Recently I have sworn not to ride in a particular friend’s car (which would actually make it difficult for me) and not to enter the house of another friend (Which is even more difficult because we have common friends coming over to stay) but then if they understand that I am angry and actually aknowledge the fact that I have the right to be angry, I melt, i am such a sissy I melt. And i am not one of those people who would even go and tell them to their face what I think, I would just avoid the situation and when they find out also I would be extremely nice but firm..now so am I a sissy? passive/agressive or even attention seeker, call me what you will. This is the way I truly am, I refuse to change my stubbornness just because someone may think I am overreacting, but when you call me a friend then also give me the respect and the treatment I deserve.
Treat your friends with the respect that you feel you should be treated with. Sometimes there are people who just withdraw because for them that is easier than confrontations. And if a friend confronts you, feel priveleged because only when they care enough will they confront you and try to clear things. If a friend believes something someone said about you, better to just withdraw, because they never did value the relationship anyways.
well that is probably just my strange thoughtprocess…but I guess it makes clearer that I am soon to become the cat lady with no cats 😀

events and sundry things

The concert…Pandit Hari Prasad Chaurasia at KAnsas State University, made history for us there. SABHA is now a name to be rekoned with and a name that everyone ought to be famaliar with and I feel that I have played a small role in that.
The concert was beautiful and the setting and perfromance electrical!
As an organizer, I had insight into how little these people had played together beforehand, it says so much about them, that they can perform together at the slightest notice.
Each one of them a star in their own right, so down to earth that even we cannot match them, So interested in life around them and even the people they would never see again.
Panditji and talking to him about my home town and food was an experience in itself.
hearing a white man’s understanding of Indian music traditions humbled me, hearing the world’s best drummer fit a tihayi to an elvis presley song…ethreal!
It has also left a huge void because, it was my last concert. Lot of people thought I am the heir apparent for the president’s post So did the president and so did I. But i turned it down. I dont know why and maybe will never know also. Right now SABHA has left a void and all of us feel the pain, never thought letting go of an organization will be that hard.

On another note, it was covered well by the press. will link it here

On a third note, one of my old short stories is back online, do read and comment here…ahh childhood passions 😀


my future

let me do some futuristic prediction here…
as I have seen myself changing over the past two years, I have realized that my not bieng a part of a group, lies more within myself than other people. Other people would like me well enough if I would try to be nice most of the time, tell funny stories, and laugh and most importantly not be intelligent enough. But unfortunately I never learnt about the last thing, or about the fact that mood swings are not allowed. So I just be myself and think that people should stick with me. Not many have. So I usually feel lonely and wonder whats going on…what is wrong with me, what is wrong with them and so on. My only excuse can be that I am a late bloomer, not that I have ever really bloomed, but yeah whatever tinny grasp I have on reality came late.
Here is another tidbit, people who are slightly depressed have a much better grasp of reality and are more realistic. Chew on THAT.
But as usual I digress..so about my future..5 years later, I see myself moving into a nice apartment that I possibly own, moving in alone. Setting it up happily, bieng involved in dozens of things and then as those things get over I will happily go home to my cool or warm, depending on the outside weather, to feel blessed by the silence in the house.
And then 6 years from today, the silence in the house will get to me..and I will probably get into a relationship against my better judgement with a relationship impaired man who will never fulfill my dreams, another year down the line, I will get sick of this and want silence in the house but will have no way of throwing him out without hurting him. So I will wait some before I finally get up enough guts to tll him that and then I will agai enjoy the deep dark silence of my home.
A couple of years down the line (my maths is bad as ever so have forgotten how many years have gone by) I will be a certified cat lady with no cats, hopefully a career, friends who come and go because of the whirlwinds of my moods. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes lonely, mostly enjoying my fate and sometimes even cranky and yes, skinny as hell.
and would that be very different from right now?
not really..
then why do we search for a future? for something to change us because we dont change, we never do, just get better at putting on those masks with those teeth showing or safely hidden as the case might be, but that is who I am!
regrefully openly me..take it or leave it!


went to my first opera today. Was considerable fun! I thourougly enjoyed it. My friend decided it was time to leave after 10 minutes, but I loved it till the end. There were plenty of things to enjoy. Great music, it was Mozart’s magic flute, beautiful voices trained and used to the best of their ability. Is there any one thing that we can say with confidence that we use to the limit of our ability? Including our brain and our body?We abuse our body to the best of our ability but rarely do we treat it the way we treat our precious ipods or whichever gadget that you prefer. And yet it is the most complicated and wonderous thing we own.
But, I digress, another reason for enjoying the opera was that even though it was in German, they had a little screen up there with english subtitles which really really helped! Also they refrained from translating every single umm and aahh..instead did only the salient parts for which I am indebted to them!
Yet another reason was great actors and actresses that gave me goosebumps with their beautiful voices and the passion in it. And my favorite character..Papagino, I associated with him more than the others..his name and everything he went through was more believable, I am mortal and have suffered plenty for the fault he had…but he got what he wanted in the end didnt he?
Maybe I will too 😀